Thursday, February 11, 2010

Due Date

One Tuesday evening about a year ago I was heading to a women's Bible study in a nearby town and I was heavy hearted. I sat through the study half listening and not interacting at all. My mind was elsewhere. The night was sort of dreary and I felt the same way. On a typical day I would be okay with my infertility issues. The pain of it came and went - mostly went. Until the dreary days. The days I would see wee little ones with their Mommies cuddling them and I would long for the experience. Or the struggling pregnant woman in the grocery store holding her back in pain. I would have given anything for that.

On this evening I was not okay. I had just turned 33 and the weight of that number was hitting hard. Not because I was getting older. But because the hands on the clock of opportunity were closing in. Quickly.

You see, since I was 19 years old I wanted nothing more than to have a baby - lots of babies in fact. I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and Mommy. I was married at 19 and my quest for the dream began. At 26 years old - my world came crashing in. An unfaithful spouse. A divorce. And no baby. For the last one I am truly thankful! Praise God for His perfect timing.

A year later I met and married my wonderful husband of 6 years. I had the privilege of adopting his wonderful girls when I met him and be called Mommy! But it didn't scratch that itch. I had my good days and bad days but for the most part I was learning to accept God's plan for me. Which brings me to a year ago - that Tuesday evening.

I was tired. I was tired of trying, of pleading, of asking and not getting the answers that I wanted in my timing. So I gave up. I let go. I cried - oh I cried that Tuesday night in my van on the way home from the Bible study. And I told God that whatever His plan was, whatever it was - I was okay with it. I accepted His plan for me.

Even if His plan including me never having my own children.

And I felt a peace I hadn't felt before. A wonderful, perfect peace that everything was going to be okay.

And two months later I saw this:
Fast forward 40 wonderful, precious, God-given weeks...

Today is my official due date.

I'm still pregnant.

And waiting...

But hey - I've waited nearly 15 years for this - so what's another few days right?

Praise God for His perfect timing - even if it is not our own.

This song spoke volumes to me throughout my battle with infertility and wanted to share it - a beautiful song!


wholesomewomanhood said...

Thank you for sharing that. I was crying as I watched it...

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